Thursday, January 15, 2004
Yesterday on the bus on the way to school, I was listening to my music, and all of a sudden for no reason I get depressed. I was brooding for about a half hour straight thinking angry thoughts about how much my life sucks, for no reason at all. I thought about everything: girls, social life, suicide...I also thought about how I don't have a job or my license and half my friends do. I feel like such a slacker and such a low life loser. I got even deeper than that. I thought who is more courageous, the man who has the courage to take his own life, or the man who fights on. I thought why should I be allowed to commit suicide and have my family suffer. I also thought on the other side, why should I have to suffer from depression when people around me live great lives and have so much to live for. I brooded with these sorts of thoughts all the way to school, then when I got to school I was still depressed. I talked to my Homeroom teacher for awhile, and I told her I just knew I was going to have a bad day. She asked if I needed to talk to my therapist and I said "What's my therapist gonna do for me?" It's true though, because when I finally got so depressed that I did go to my therapist, and I told her what was bothering me, she just belittled it, and said "Your life sucks? How about we go on a field trip to a burn victims unit. Then we can go to the amputee unit, and then to the radiology unit to see the cancer victims. Then you can tell them how much your life sucks." I told her to fuck off and from there it just went downhill. Life sure is a bitch sometimes. If you have any feedback please feel free to leave it.
